Have you ever been in a relationship, at work or in your personal life, that made no sense in hindsight? Maybe you endured things that now make you shudder, complied with things that don’t match your values or made excuses for an abuser who you now despise.
How can we go from a place of supporting, even defending an abuser who we later, with clear eyes, see as an awful human being?
This question puzzled psychologists and researchers for decades as they struggled to understand the so-called Stockholm Syndrome of some abused people.
Robert Jay Lifton spent time with people released from Chinese re-education camps in the 1950’s and found what cult scholars like Janja Lalich and Alexandra Stein confirmed in subsequent decades – that abusers hijack the human need to connect, to bond and to be safe and twist it to suit their own needs.
What is a Trauma Bond?
The term trauma bond has been coined to describe the ways in which our human attachment system is corrupted by abusive people and organisations to create compliance and control their victims. But what is a trauma bond and how is it formed?
Abusers begin their work by forming a connection with their victim through a process of psychological manipulation called love bombing.
In a romantic relationship this might look like the perfect partner, someone attentive and loyal who only wants to spend time with you, someone who says they want something deep and lasting, even though you just met.
In a high demand group (commonly known as a cult) this might involve new recruits being flattered, showered with attention and praise, exposed to the best parts of the group’s dynamics and being invited to join, to contribute, to belong in a short space of time.
The Forming of Attachments:
This process speaks directly to the victim’s social engagement system (also known as the attachment system), tapping into the human yearning to belong, to be loved, to connect. The brain and nervous system begin to see this new person (or group of people) as safe and secure attachment figures, a connection that will be twisted and distorted in the formation of trauma bonds.
Fright Without Solution:
After luring the victim into a connection, the abuser then switches gears, frightening the victim in some way (this can be subtle, like the threat of leaving or suddenly growing cold and silent) and then positioning themselves as the one who can relieve that fear.
I liken this to standing on someone’s neck so they can’t breathe, then relieving the pressure. The abuser creates suffering and then alleviates it in order to take on the roles of abusing and soothing alternately.
The attachment system is scrambled as the nervous system seeks to be close to, and also to escape from, the abuser at the same time. This is sometimes called disorganised attachment by researchers, a bond that is both frightening and comforting for the abused person.
Abusers often isolate victims before moving into this phase of their abuse, meaning that the victim has nobody to turn to, or that others won’t believe them because they see the abuser as so great. This kind of behavioural gaslighting (acting one way in public then being someone different in private) creates confusion in victims, eliminates potential support from outside and can make you feel trapped and even crazy, but to an abuser it’s just one more tactic in their arsenal.
Total Control:
The aim of all abusers is control first and exploitation second. Once they have psychological control they can use you as they use any other item in their life. You are their property and they will make use of you as they wish. Different abusers have different ways of gratifying themselves so there are different forms of abuse, but the dynamics of power and exploitation remain the same.
But where does this leave victims? It leaves them isolated, confused, and often seeking comfort from the very person who is abusing them. This person now holds the keys to their happiness and so it is natural to try to please the abuser in the hope that they will approve and hand out some affection, some comfort, some care.
This is the essence of the trauma bond. You form an addictive pseudo-connection with an unreliable attachment figure who doesn’t truly care for you, but sees you as a handy source of something they crave. This makes it extra confusing when the abuser moves on to another victim. You may be devastated that they could walk away so carelessly, but to them, you are an object that has served his purpose and they are simply upgrading.
Many victims of narcissists (especially vulnerable or covert narcissists) find this discard process incredibly painful and confusing. After serving someone and putting up with their shit under the guise of a relationship for years or even decades, the narcissist walks away and takes up with someone new in a heartbeat without a care.
This makes no sense within a human relationship, but with property it makes perfect sense. We change clothes, cars and houses according to need and without too much sentiment. To an abuser, this is what you are and realising this hurts like hell.
Why The Pain is Good:
Nobody wants to hurt this way, but actually the agony has a silver lining in that it means you are human, you are caring, you are not an abusive narcissist. Imagine if you could walk away from someone you loved deeply without a second thought, imagine if you never thought about the other person’s pain when a relationship ended.
This is the path of the abuser, the narcissist, the coercive controller. So while it hurts to be a real human person, and while it sucks that you were taken for a ride by a human predator, the pain shows that your heart is intact and that your soul remains alive.
Recovery:
Healing is a process that is different for us all, but usually it is slower than you would like and more painful than you hoped. There is a lot of pain buried down deep when we are trapped in a trauma bond, a lot of emotion that can’t be expressed and in the healing process all of that must be felt and honoured.
This is a process best done with support, with friends, with community, with professional help if you can get it. But one of the most important parts of recovery is making sense of the abuse, recognising it as abuse, and I hope this article has been helpful in that process.
If you are looking for a counsellor who understands what you have been through, I offer phone and video support to survivors of trauma and abuse of all types. Contact me here if you’re ready to start a conversation.
Finally, here are some videos explaining elements of trauma bonding and recovery.
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